I was raised in the Catholic Church. I was accustomed to the structure and the ritual, to the smell of the incense during feasts and celebrations and to the lyrical droning of the community reciting the Apostles’ Creed – never in unison. I dutifully received my sacraments – baptism, communion, confirmation, marriage – without any doubt that this was the way things were done – whether I liked it or not. I brought my children up in the Church, taught Catechism, was a lay reader and was generally quite involved. I was a good Catholic, always felt somewhat tainted about being human – generally lived with a good sense of guilt every day. Well, I don’t attend mass anymore – no longer meets my spiritual needs. Running now fills that void - I believe I have alluded to this in one of my earlier posts.
What’s my point? This is what is curious - over the weekend, on two successful beautiful days – Saturday and Sunday, I thought about running but decided that the need to do some Christmas shopping was more immediate. So, that’s what I did – I went Christmas shopping and did not run – didn’t even go to the gym. How did I feel about that? GUILTY! What is going on here? Evidently in the transfer from one spiritual vehicle to another – that old RC guilt came with it. Dang! So, did I flog myself mercilessly? No, but that constant pang – so comfortably settled in my gut for most of my life - remained. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned; it has been 5 days since my last run". Until tonight! I ran with my friend Brent . "I am only interested in 10 k", he said. "Me too", I replied as we walked out the door. Our 10 km turned out to be 14 and hilly as hell. The ice was trecherous in some areas so we took a few turns here and there. Let's go down here, less traffic, less ice. It was glorious. We parted at the school and as I drove home, listening to As it Happens talk about abandoned Chihuahuas in California, I felt a sense of relief - similar to the feeling I had during the penance I was given as a child. Tonight, as then, I felt purged of my transgressions. Only tonight it was combined with the endorphin high.
Sweet redemption. I can live with myself yet again.
As I read this entry I am reluctant to post it - it seems so intimate and kind of nutty too. But I think we all live with guilt in one form or another and I think many of us are motivated by the need to eliminate that guilt.
Any other guilty runners out there?
The Middle Aged Runner
ps - Thanks Brent...
That's the beauty of it, RB...it's intimate AND nutty AND completely honest. (My theory on the guilt thing relates more to childbirth than organized religion. Remind me to tell you about it some time...)
ReplyDeleteAnother well written and interesting post Ms. Runner. I am not a Roman Catholic, nor particularly religious for that matter though I did attend church faithfully (no pun intended) for about 14 years at the behest of my mother.
ReplyDeleteI would like to point out that guilt is perhaps one of our most maligned emotions and unfairly so in my humble opinion.
More good has come out of guilt than perhaps any other emotion with the exception of spite and perhaps love.
Guilt has singlehandedly created and kept the floral and diamond industries afloat, guilt has washed more dishes, picked up more socks, and purchased more sweaters from Northern Reflections on Mother’s day than love ever has.
Guilt gets my posterior off the couch and away from that Rockford Files rerun, thanks to guilt I exercise and thanks to guilt I will continue to exercise. So here’s to guilt, sweet guilt which has helped us all out at one time or another.
Here's to guilt...cheers! (uh oh...possibly more guilt!)
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